A friend from work has been on a journey to visit fondly remembered places where she spent time with her husband in their long marriage. He was recently diagnosed with advanced, metastatic lung cancer and is undergoing treatment. "How will I know if he's getting sicker on this trip?" S. asked our co-worker Am. (too many A's at work). Am said, "You'll know. Don't worry too much about it."
At the same time as I had my little surgery, it was recognized that S's husband was gravely ill. I was told on the phone of this situation by one of our administrators. "It's not good. He can go at anytime and we should plan coverage for S." When I returned to work, I asked An to clarify the severity of the situation. "Let's put it this way. It's not good." Everyone has gone around shaking their heads and predicting a rapid demise.
S is hard to reach in her off hours. She has no computer at home and tends not to socialize. I left her messages at work. She responded with, "This is like the worst trip I've ever been on." We emailed back and forth. When we see each other at work, we often do a lot of hugging. Sometimes we have just held hands. As always, S frequently tells me that she loves me. She is just that kind of person, always with an affirmative, kindly response.
I know what it's like to be sad about someone else's illness. S. says that people comment, "He is a smoker, right? What do you expect?" S. has gotten all sorts of unsolicited condolences along those lines, and they are not reassuring. People do say stupid things when others are seriously ill, and that's a fact.
Our friend and co-worker Am worked in pediatric oncology for many years and she is not afraid. She looks more like an affluent suburban mom than anyone I know. Am knows this, and kind of enjoys the dichotomy in her outward appearance with the inner workings of her thoughts. I have deep respect for her experience and her practicality. Therefore, I asked Am if she thought that it was weird that I had hope for S's husband. "I mean none of us can know if he is going to respond to treatment, right? I just have hope for him and can't act like I already know the outcome. I told S that I have hope and this seemed to give her comfort."
Am gave me a reality check but also told me that it is good to have hope. "I don't think that hoping that someone gets well is a bad idea. Who knows how this will unfold? " I felt better about my reactions, and less foolish after our chat.
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